The summer brings nice weather, holidays, barbecues, parties, and vacations. It feels like there is more time in one day just because the sun stays out longer, but it’s still only twenty-four hours long. However, we seem to become better at managing our time during these few months in order to do more of what we want and see more of who we want. The one thing that we seem to get more of in the summer is family fun time. Sometimes it’s a good thing and others not so much. My father is really big on taking a family vacation now that we are all grown. He wants to go to Las Vegas. The thing is, I doubt I would be willing to spend much time around my father now that I am grown when out of town.
Of course there are those family friendly activities such as going to restaurants and city tours, but I’m a 20-something single female. Going around with my old daddy in the city of sin is going to be a serious cramp on my style. What man is going to walk up to a woman with her father standing around her? I don’t know many, if any. This is the main reason why my father should have gotten all the family trips out of the way when we were younger. But he didn’t because the wife and kids cramped his style. Now that the roles have reversed I don’t have too much sympathy for him.
A few days ago my friend reblogged something about insecurities destroys relationships. This is true. How a person sees themselves will affect how they deal with people in general. All my close friends will tell you that I am confident to the point of conceited. And of course. What’s there not to like? I am nice, at times. I am fun, extremely talented, yadda, yadda, etc, etc. The list goes on, I am just that awesome. I know it. Yet there was a time, for a long time, when I just didn’t like myself.
I really wish I could blame my lack of esteem on others but I can’t. Truth is, that I am too self centered to let other people thoughts affect how I see myself, good or bad. I just don’t care what they think. This doesn’t mean that I totally disregard the thoughts and feelings of my friends, it’s just that they don’t know the entire story. Their words only carry as much weight as their knowledge of me. I listen, but in the back of my head is always that thought of what do they truly know.
I don’t often hear bad things about myself from others. I am not often criticized either. Yet with all that awesomeness and respect of my peers, I didn’t like myself. The reason was because they didn’t know about the Fucked up decisions that I would make from time to time. I am very hard on myself and others. I don’t see grey areas. There is either wrong or right. So whenever I made bad decisions, I hated myself for it. Because how could I, being as awesome as I am, make a bad decision? Shoot. I didn’t even have the crutch of blaming it on someone else. I made that decision. It was my fault. I fiercely believe in accepting the responsibility for ones own actions. However, I lacked to ability to forgive.
It’s very important to be able to forgive. You have to be a forgiving person in order to forgive yourself and others. An unforgiving nature will always turn inward. I learned that the hard way. I also learned that being forgiving does not mean that I have to stop seeing things as either black or white, right or wrong. It just means that I forgive the wrong. Once I forgave myself for my faults I began to like myself again. I don’t make excuses for myself and others. I still expect myself to do better. I just know I need more work and discipline.
I don’t mention other people as a standard to judge myself in this blog because I don’t use other people as a standard. If you knew their whole story you would see they don’t have it all together either. They are just better at hiding it than you. There are other people that inspire me to do better because I can do better. I encourage you to find your own standard. Look at yourself with loving eyes. Eyes that sees everything and still accepts it. Once you accept your faults, start working to correct them. Your faults are not who you are, and you don’t have to be defeated by them. You are definitely strong enough to correct them, because they are just one aspect of you. There is far more good in you than you see yet. All those old adages that says that bad things last longer in memories than good is true. We remember our faults more easily. So make a list (I like lists). For every one fault, list three good qualities about yourself. It won’t be hard (I wanted to say Five qualities at first).
I have a flat tire. I am sitting here in my car in the parking lot of Carson’s waiting for help to arrive. I don’t know how to change a tire. There is always someone willing to help a damsel in distress. When I was in highschool there were teachers. When I was in college there were my frat brothers Javohn, J.T., Mr. Foster and Mr. Thompson. Now that I am out of college there is roadside assistance. I have been reprimanded by some people that I should know how to change a tire. It’s usually the same people harping about me learning to change a tire that come running when I need my tire changed. So which is it? Should I learn to change a tire or continue to expect for chilvalrous men to lend a help? What do you think? Well AAA has arrived. I can save that lesson for another day.
Men think about sex often. Studies have proven it. Studies have also proven that women think mostly about being alluring. We spend lots of time and money just to be sexy. Sometimes the thought extends to the bedroom, but most times that’s only when we are thinking about lingerie. The times women think about the actual act of sex pales in comparison to men. So I am going to give men some reasons to be more appreciative of how woman looks in clothes, not just out of them.
We get our beauty rest. We exercise to stay fit. We shop for hours looking for that perfect outfit to make ourselves irresistible. We buy make up. We learn how to put on make up. We learn how to walk in high heels. We wear uncomfortable shoes so our look will be complete. We process, primp, burn and cut our hair for you. We shave, I put this on the cleanliness list for myself but there are some women that only do it for men.
The amount of effort that women put into looking good for their men should be applauded and rewarded. That means show her off. Take her places that she can put to use all those clothes that she spent hours shopping around for. Give compliments. Say she looks nice if she looks nice. Tell her that she makes you look good. Show her that you are proud to have her on your arm. That’s one of the things that women love most. A man that is proud of his woman.
So there you have it. The signs of affection and how they relate to me. I think they are all necessary in a healthy relationship. There isn’t one that I would say I could do completely without. Just that one is definitely going to stand out from the rest the most. It’s important for you to understand your love language and learn the love language of the person you love. You both need to be willing to please each other for your relationship to be healthy and lasting.
I challenge you to figure out your love language. Make a list. Put them in order preference. If you are in a relationship, try to list your partners love language in order. Then ask them to write their list and one for you then trade. See how close you came to matching their list and they came to matching yours. Talk about it. Give examples of what touches you the most and get some from them. Then comes the most important part. Start doing it if you hadn’t been doing so. Make it your priority to please each other. If you have been doing so kudos to you, keep it up tiger.
The fact that people could make words of affirmation their primary love language in these days is dangerous. Anyone that will let the words out of another person’s mouth carry the weight of their happiness deserves the crash back to earth when that person’s words prove false. The most ironic part is that this is the one I speak in the most. I like words. I love the many ways you can string words together to give new meaning. I love saying the right things and hearing the right things. But I also don’t trust people at their words. For this you can thank my father. It sounds all nice when you say it, but I will believe it when I see.
I like well spoken men. They must be eloquent. My esteem of a person is directly proportional to how impressive their diction is. He could flatter me all he wants but if his vocabulary is the equivalent of an 8th grader’s, please keep it moving. He needs to be able to understand what I am saying in order for us to communicate. Actions don’t always speak louder than words. Some people aren’t that observant. People often have misunderstandings even when speaking to each other so just imagine the misunderstandings from just actions when they are reading whatever they want into it. Both are necessary.
Gifts. Who doesn’t like to receive gifts? Everyone likes a tangible representation of your affection. For some people it’s the price tag, but for most it’s the thought that counts. My sister loves to give gifts. She is very creative with her hands, so for gifts you can bet on something hand made. It’s so good, she really should be selling them in stores. But she took the practical career and became a scientist.
For me, how important is a gift? I am going to have to be honest that I don’t really place importance on regular gifts. Unless it’s a big show attached or some special meaning from a holiday, they are just things. Not that I don’t appreciate them, but my upbringing has made it expected. I shop all the time, buying things for myself and my loved ones. The same goes for the other women in my family. We buy things all the time for each other, some are necessary and others are wants. That’s just how we did things in my family. But when it comes to making each other feel special we often get our hands dirty.
Like this past year for my sister’s birthday I produced a video about her life and her accomplishments to this point. My sister has gotten a portrait of us painted as a gift when I crossed Zeta. It’s really the meaning and memories that these items have that make them important to each of us. I do know that to some people, gifts are the world to them. It’s not that for me that are not needed, but they aren’t needed as often as the ones who speak this love language.