The thing that started this entire examination was my watching a Latin Series called “Cuidado Con El Ángel.” I haven’t completed it, I want to. Unfortunately I don’t speak Spanish and the volunteers of Viki haven’t finished translating. So I wait. I am not big fan of circular plots. Plots where the writers continually put obstacles in the path between two lovers and happily ever after. Looks like they are at “happy ever after” then the turnaround and they are back at step 1. I endured the dragging first few episodes for one reason. And that reason’s name is William Levy (yes, I am such a girl). But the thing that got me hooked to the show was the first time Levy’s character embraced the female lead. My first thought was “Damn, I want to be embraced like that”.
My second thought was “Have I ever been embraced like that?”
This was no simple hug. I applaud the actors. They were able to convey passion, need, comfort, care, longing, love and innocence in that one embrace. I look back on my life to try to find an instance like that. Sadly there are none. For reasons I won’t go into today, I started to shut myself away from the world physically as a child. I just didn’t like to be touched, I hated it. The touch of any male made me feel dirty. I didn’t even like to hug my brother. But that physical need was still there. As I grew, hormones and attraction to the opposite sex started to bring in physical exploration. But it was twisted. I didn’t know how to show affection without being sexual and I didn’t want to be touched if I wasn’t trying to be sexual.
I remember when I went on my first date. I had just graduated from high school and I met a cool college guy at a kids party where we were the oldest and had the most fun. So when he asked me out a week later I was ecstatic. Then there came a point in the evening that as he was driving, he reached over and gently grabbed my hand. You can only imagine my inner turmoil and panic. Even though I liked and was attracted to him. I could only think of how I could get my hand out of his without him noticing and offending him. I ended up achieving that by going through my purse for some chap-stick. Yet that behavior has endured for more than half a decade after that. I found my self in a conundrum. I didn’t want to be touched, but my hormones made me want to be touched. So I became one of those people that only accepts physical touch in sexual situations.
I am an extremely sexual person in relationships. Pretty sure my longing for physical touch and being unable to express that need in a healthy non-sexual way has contributed to that but I am not complaining about it. My last relationship, though it’s over now, has helped to heal me a lot. With my ex, I started to learn how to be around a man. It would annoy me at first that he seemed to want breath my carbon dioxide. I don’t think he ever realized I was getting up to go to bed to escape him most of the times because he would be too close to me. It never worked. As soon as I would go to bed he would be right with me. It was frustrating at first, then it was cute. I liked that someone wanted to just be around me so much. During the course of our relationship, I definitely improved on how to show physical affection. I was no longer cold and distant out of bed while fire hot in it. I was learning how to be warm. I am not anywhere near the level of an embrace yet, but I want to be. I want to be embraced. I want to be able to let that barrier completely down and touch another person without that fear that it may go somewhere I don’t want it to go. Not there yet, but I am looking forward to my next relationship so I can work on it more.
I don’t know if this is my primary love language or one I picked up along the way. But I know I want all the physical sweetness that I saw in that show, without the drama, in my life. What about you? Aren’t our two arms and hands made in order to be able to touch and comfort each other? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship without physical touch?