A few days ago my friend reblogged something about insecurities destroys relationships. This is true. How a person sees themselves will affect how they deal with people in general. All my close friends will tell you that I am confident to the point of conceited. And of course. What’s there not to like? I am nice, at times. I am fun, extremely talented, yadda, yadda, etc, etc. The list goes on, I am just that awesome. I know it. Yet there was a time, for a long time, when I just didn’t like myself.
I really wish I could blame my lack of esteem on others but I can’t. Truth is, that I am too self centered to let other people thoughts affect how I see myself, good or bad. I just don’t care what they think. This doesn’t mean that I totally disregard the thoughts and feelings of my friends, it’s just that they don’t know the entire story. Their words only carry as much weight as their knowledge of me. I listen, but in the back of my head is always that thought of what do they truly know.
I don’t often hear bad things about myself from others. I am not often criticized either. Yet with all that awesomeness and respect of my peers, I didn’t like myself. The reason was because they didn’t know about the Fucked up decisions that I would make from time to time. I am very hard on myself and others. I don’t see grey areas. There is either wrong or right. So whenever I made bad decisions, I hated myself for it. Because how could I, being as awesome as I am, make a bad decision? Shoot. I didn’t even have the crutch of blaming it on someone else. I made that decision. It was my fault. I fiercely believe in accepting the responsibility for ones own actions. However, I lacked to ability to forgive.
It’s very important to be able to forgive. You have to be a forgiving person in order to forgive yourself and others. An unforgiving nature will always turn inward. I learned that the hard way. I also learned that being forgiving does not mean that I have to stop seeing things as either black or white, right or wrong. It just means that I forgive the wrong. Once I forgave myself for my faults I began to like myself again. I don’t make excuses for myself and others. I still expect myself to do better. I just know I need more work and discipline.
I don’t mention other people as a standard to judge myself in this blog because I don’t use other people as a standard. If you knew their whole story you would see they don’t have it all together either. They are just better at hiding it than you. There are other people that inspire me to do better because I can do better. I encourage you to find your own standard. Look at yourself with loving eyes. Eyes that sees everything and still accepts it. Once you accept your faults, start working to correct them. Your faults are not who you are, and you don’t have to be defeated by them. You are definitely strong enough to correct them, because they are just one aspect of you. There is far more good in you than you see yet. All those old adages that says that bad things last longer in memories than good is true. We remember our faults more easily. So make a list (I like lists). For every one fault, list three good qualities about yourself. It won’t be hard (I wanted to say Five qualities at first).