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At a loss…

I try to be helpful and encouraging to all my friends and anyone that asks me for advice. I try not to say things that are not edifying to a person and can be a destructive seed to them. But a few days ago while chatting with my friend, I was told something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. I can only imagine what she is going through. My friend is living the single life. Something I am now totally convinced is detrimental to a woman pass the age of 25. In her single life at the moment, she has an uncommitted lover. I still don’t get it myself. It’s something between a relationship and friends with benefits. A terrible place for a woman with hopes of marriage to be, but we all fall into these traps in one form or another. But this is not the real conundrum.

I don’t know what made her ask this question, but she definitely shouldn’t have asked her lover. She asked him, “What is her appeal to men?” or “What about her attracts men?” As much time and effort that women put into their appearance, wouldn’t you think the answer was obvious. He however pulled her away from the physical part of her attraction and pointed to her some flaws that hurt her more because it came from him. I am sure he was doing fine and she was listening when he told her that she had two sides. A very strange side and a very hidden side. Not that bad, right? But he went further to tell her that her personality only attracts two type of people. Other women and men that only want to screw her and run. Ouch. Double ouch because it’s from the mouth of the guy that she is currently sleeping with. 

I really didn’t know what to say to her. His honesty and bluntness has really shattered something inside her. I am not mad at him for his honesty, but I wish he had exercised tact and realized this truth should have never come from him. From our earlier talks, I have already gleaned that she doesn’t have confidence in herself anymore where men are concerned. She is being told all the time how she is a good woman, amazing and would make a good wife. Yet she is still single while she watches her friends one by one march down the aisle. It doesn’t help much that she is being told this from men. I’m sure she is thinking, “sure, I’m great. So great for another man, just not you.” Then she has to hear this about the two types of people she attracts. How do I bring her back from the edge after this? 

She told me that after he said that, she couldn’t even continue the conversation. I guess this is one of those times when you thank God for text messages. You can end a conversation without another word or the rudeness of hanging up the phone. I am furious at how he handled the situation. He had took a moment that should have encouraged her and instead completely shattered something. I am not sure what this person’s M.O. is, but I see far more harm coming from his words than good. He could have told her something good to focus on about her personality. Tell her to play up some side of her, but his comments has left her with the impression that there is nothing good about her in a man’s eye. I read the conversation and I wanted to cry because he never answered her question before going in on her horrible personality that makes her only appeal to women and no good men. 

I really don’t know what to tell her. Truth is, I know she cares for the guy she is sleeping with, even if she sees no future with him. She isn’t the type to share her body with someone she doesn’t care for. Yet when he told her the two type of people she attracts, he left only one category for himself to be in. As unflattering as it was for her to be the woman who only attracts men who want to use her. It is less flattering for him to admit that he is one of the men that is using her. And now she is faced with the glaring truth. I am truly at a loss. This is one hard pill for anyone to swallow. 

Does anyone have any advice that I can possibly give my friend? Someway to encourage her no to give up completely on men and a loving relationship. I really hate this. 

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