The world was watching as America had it’s civil war. The world was watching as America had it’s Civil right movement. The world was watching as time after time it was proven that being black in America was not a good thing. The world was watching as the leaders of the so called “free world” continued to oppress a community that comprises a significant part of it’s country. The world just watched as a young boy was stalked on his way home and ended up dead. The world just watched the justice system of America let his killer go free. The world just watched as this new precedent was established. The world watched as a person can be on record as stalking a person, disobeying the orders from police dispatcher to stop following a kid, end up killing killing the child and in a court of his peers be acquitted of murder because he was “standing his ground”. Couldn’t this have all been avoided if he had done as the police told him? Just for disobeying police orders shouldn’t he be more suspect? The world watched as the debate rose once again, would this person go free if his victim hadn’t been black. Would he have been acquitted if he had been black himself? The world was watching. What is our story teaching the world about us? What has America become in the eyes of those watching? Why is the world only watching?
Have you ever held something in your hand nonchalantly? Something that was fragile and precious but you didn’t realize it’s value until it slipped between your fingers to watch it crash to the ground and shatter into pieces? Then you think to yourself, “Why wasn’t I more careful?” Or “Why didn’t I see it’s value before?” Then you curse at yourself because the damage is so far beyond your ability to fix it, if it is even fixable. Then you have to accept the reality, that if it’s fixed, it will never be as good as it was before. Or that it will be restored to perfection by someone else for someone else. It seems that people handle ourselves, each other and our relationships so casually until something is broken and lose that person completely. I haven’t done that to others but I have allowed important aspects of myself to be seemingly shattered beyond repair.
That feeling of brokenness is different from the emptiness or “something’s missing” that most people tend to walk around with. The emptiness inside those people is the unawareness of themselves that they will find once they start to look. I am talking about someone who knew exactly who they were but something traumatic happens and the feeling of being broken overwhelms them. Walking around in pain daily, at a complete loss of how to even begin fixing what was broken inside you. The thought of “Damage Done” is a constant in your head as you reminisce about the awesome you of the past and think to yourself there is no going back there. Thinking that life, circumstances and your own carelessness has forced you to be someone you never thought you could be or ever wanted to be, has filled you with an anger burgeoning towards wrath. That in itself makes you even more angry, because that isn’t who you were before and you can’t even fix it. But it’s really true that time heals all wounds.
Or to be more accurate, God and time heals all wounds. Time puts distance between you and the incident that caused your brokenness. It allows your mind the chance to come to terms with reality. As you’re thinking that you have to walk around the rest of your life in this broken state and begin to accept this, God very subtly starts to repair. You don’t even notice that pieces are returning to their original position, but stronger than they were before. The day you do notice, you stand in awe. While you were accepting the situation, God was teaching you forgiveness. While you tried to hide the scars, God healed them. While you were trying to be strong and endure, God showed you that you can let your burden down. You feel so light once you do let it go, and so happy. You are overjoyed that you didn’t lose who you were and that you were restored to a much better condition to who you were before. Even though when you think about what you had to endure to become this much better mach 4 version of yourself, you become saddened that you may not have had to go through some of it if you had listened in the first place. But the joy still remains because you weren’t destroyed.
I know there are some people that dislike it when I go religious on them. But what I have endured has made it impossible to keep God out of my story or my joy. Yes, I am logical. And anyone that wants to have logical debates with me can. I like logic, but wisdom has shown me that God is necessary. I won’t play down the fact that I did make some important decisions to assist but it was impossible for me to repair myself. I was literally damaged beyond my own repair.
I completely encourage anyone that is going through a period of brokenness to lean on God. If you don’t know how, it is so ok, because God sends people into your life to teach you so you can let it go. It was that way for me. It was people that helped me but I recognize that it was God that placed them in my life. Just remember that you are not alone.
Can’t post video to this site yet so I posted video of some anime midwest fun on my tumblr blog. If you click the link for clef of insanity in the right column under other blogs. Hope you enjoy the videos as much as I enjoyed making them.
A conversation with my sister has caused this series of venting on men and breaking up. Well to be more exact it was a song. The song “8675309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone in fact. My sister asks me if that if I ever want to do something to get revenge on my first boyfriend by writing his name and number in a stall. I had to say nope. My first boyfriend wasn’t perfect but my feelings for him weren’t so deep that I wanted to do that. My last boyfriend however is a different story. In fact, I wanted to do that and more. Way more. I was in a rage over the fact that while it felt like the world had crumbled beneath my feet, he was somewhere living happily and sleeping in peace. I don’t know how healthy it was but it sure helped me mentally to have “make him pay” fantasies. Fantasies that would leave my mark on him. Purely for entertainment I will share a few of those fantasies with you.
1. I would go into a homosexual bar for men and leave his phone number in the men’s bathroom saying “For sex, Call Lex.” This one was funny and comical to me. It made me laugh several times of how he would react.
2. I would hand out flyers saying he had some incurable STD. It didn’t matter which. Just something that would make women run far away from him at first glance. But something like that is easily proven when wanted.
3. Let me warn you. This one was from when I was at my angriest and most spiteful moment. I wanted to not make him pay. I literally wanted to destroy him when I thought of this one. I would make up handbills saying he was a pedophile and distribute them to all the schools in the city that he lived in. Fucked up isn’t it. Well I won’t give any excuses for my thoughts. It made me feel better.
I don’t even know why human hearts want vengeance when someone has wronged us but that’s often the first place our minds go when someone has hurt us deeply. We want to pay them back tenfold. Even though us church going Christians hear all the time that Vengeance is the Lord’s, it just seems like the vengeance is fast and swift enough or severe enough. But thank God for forgiveness. I was able to move on once I forgave myself for giving my heart to someone that was so unworthy of it. Do you have any “Make ’em pay” fantasies?
I am sure I need to frequent places that men will go. If you’ve been reading my blog you know that I have been doing research on men. Nothing too in-depth. Just something for me to have better understanding of how men think so I can adjust myself. I am too much into my own world and men live in reality. So even with all my research I still haven’t run across a guy that I would want to date. Taking the advice of TRP (the retired player), I don’t frequent men’s hunting grounds such as bars and clubs anymore. You know what I have learned? I need another place where I can meet available men. Between sorority functions, work, shopping, bookstores, film networking events/meetings, and other random outings, I am not running across too many available men. Now I am wishing that like all my other now married southern friends, I was out to catch a man in college. Maybe the bait is all wrong but before I start to do something drastic like wear my hair in straight styles, I will attempt to try casting in my bait in a different spot. So that brings me to sports. Men really like sports. I don’t.
There isn’t one sport that I know much about, but in pursuit of catching a man I can totally try to learn. I realize that my world is too feminine for a man to enter. What would we talk about? I am not trying to imply that I am not an intellectual individual, because I am. But who wants intellect 24/7. Sometimes you want something of shared interest that is light, easy to digest. Other than topics on books and movies which can easily segue into philosophical discussion, there is not much light conversations you can have with a man other than sports and cars. Since I am the woman that posted last week about not even knowing how to change a tire, I am going to have to go with sports on this one. But which one? That’s where the big problem comes in. Most men follow football and basketball. When football season ends, basketball season starts and if it’s not those two it’s boxing which apparently happens year round from the snippets of conversations that my brain actually retains. So which sport should I choose? I am not limiting it to these, please suggest others.
Too bad paintball isn’t a sport. Now that’s something I really enjoy doing. I would totally look into hunting if I could get around the whole killing part.
The summer brings nice weather, holidays, barbecues, parties, and vacations. It feels like there is more time in one day just because the sun stays out longer, but it’s still only twenty-four hours long. However, we seem to become better at managing our time during these few months in order to do more of what we want and see more of who we want. The one thing that we seem to get more of in the summer is family fun time. Sometimes it’s a good thing and others not so much. My father is really big on taking a family vacation now that we are all grown. He wants to go to Las Vegas. The thing is, I doubt I would be willing to spend much time around my father now that I am grown when out of town.
Of course there are those family friendly activities such as going to restaurants and city tours, but I’m a 20-something single female. Going around with my old daddy in the city of sin is going to be a serious cramp on my style. What man is going to walk up to a woman with her father standing around her? I don’t know many, if any. This is the main reason why my father should have gotten all the family trips out of the way when we were younger. But he didn’t because the wife and kids cramped his style. Now that the roles have reversed I don’t have too much sympathy for him.
A few days ago my friend reblogged something about insecurities destroys relationships. This is true. How a person sees themselves will affect how they deal with people in general. All my close friends will tell you that I am confident to the point of conceited. And of course. What’s there not to like? I am nice, at times. I am fun, extremely talented, yadda, yadda, etc, etc. The list goes on, I am just that awesome. I know it. Yet there was a time, for a long time, when I just didn’t like myself.
I really wish I could blame my lack of esteem on others but I can’t. Truth is, that I am too self centered to let other people thoughts affect how I see myself, good or bad. I just don’t care what they think. This doesn’t mean that I totally disregard the thoughts and feelings of my friends, it’s just that they don’t know the entire story. Their words only carry as much weight as their knowledge of me. I listen, but in the back of my head is always that thought of what do they truly know.
I don’t often hear bad things about myself from others. I am not often criticized either. Yet with all that awesomeness and respect of my peers, I didn’t like myself. The reason was because they didn’t know about the Fucked up decisions that I would make from time to time. I am very hard on myself and others. I don’t see grey areas. There is either wrong or right. So whenever I made bad decisions, I hated myself for it. Because how could I, being as awesome as I am, make a bad decision? Shoot. I didn’t even have the crutch of blaming it on someone else. I made that decision. It was my fault. I fiercely believe in accepting the responsibility for ones own actions. However, I lacked to ability to forgive.
It’s very important to be able to forgive. You have to be a forgiving person in order to forgive yourself and others. An unforgiving nature will always turn inward. I learned that the hard way. I also learned that being forgiving does not mean that I have to stop seeing things as either black or white, right or wrong. It just means that I forgive the wrong. Once I forgave myself for my faults I began to like myself again. I don’t make excuses for myself and others. I still expect myself to do better. I just know I need more work and discipline.
I don’t mention other people as a standard to judge myself in this blog because I don’t use other people as a standard. If you knew their whole story you would see they don’t have it all together either. They are just better at hiding it than you. There are other people that inspire me to do better because I can do better. I encourage you to find your own standard. Look at yourself with loving eyes. Eyes that sees everything and still accepts it. Once you accept your faults, start working to correct them. Your faults are not who you are, and you don’t have to be defeated by them. You are definitely strong enough to correct them, because they are just one aspect of you. There is far more good in you than you see yet. All those old adages that says that bad things last longer in memories than good is true. We remember our faults more easily. So make a list (I like lists). For every one fault, list three good qualities about yourself. It won’t be hard (I wanted to say Five qualities at first).