Online Dating

It’s been here for a while and it is here to stay. I joined OKcupid out of curiosity Wednesday. I wouldn’t have joined if they let me tour the app without signing up so I signed up. It seems nice. They have some nice looking people on the site along with the type of people you would expect to use online dating. I have long wondered why people resort to online dating, especially those that you wouldn’t think to. I know why this started to appeal to me even though I was bored with it a day after I joined. And I think this is why it appeals to others as well. 

Yes there are some socially awkward people that want another way of meeting people outside of meeting face to face. There are some people that are just looking for people to screw but their hunting skills are lack luster so despite how they look they still go on alone. But then there are people like me, the kind who want to date people completely outside of their circle so if or when it ends, you never have to deal with them again. Dating someone at work can be disastrous. The same goes for people that attend the same church and any other activities you do on a regular basis. When the relationship is over, chance are someone is going to have to find a new job, church, or place to have fun. Online let’s you meet people who wouldn’t come close to your world otherwise. So when you part, you don’t have to change your world either. They can completely disappear from your life.

This also depends on how close you bring your two world together while dating. If you were heading towards marriage, than your world is not going to be the same even if you keep the same routines. If it was just fun and dating, then parting is easy. Also, the ego boost a person can get just by being online is unreal. Why do you think online dating is here to stay? If you have tasted the Kool-aid, what is it’s appeal to you? Are you really online looking for a real connection that you can’t seem to make in person?

Advertisements

God’s Silence

Today, I read something from a friend that made me cry. I am often accused of being tactless and saying thoughtless things by one of my loved ones. It hurts that this person thinks this way about me especially when they say that my words are hurtful and life damaging. It hurts because he only focuses on the pain my words brought him intead of thinking about the truth.

It throws me for a loop every time he brings it up because he really has no idea how careful I am of my words, especially with him. If he only knew all the things that would come out of my mouth if I was as thoughtless as he sees me. I don’t see how he doesn’t see me as mean and evil considering the fact that instant messaging is our main source of communication. Yes, sometimes people can say things without much fore thought but writing takes a bit more thought. I don’t know how it is possible for an educated person to write something without thinking about how it will be received. 

All this made me think about a question I had early in my youth. Why doesn’t God speak verbally with people anymore? I though about the answer to that question again today. God’s words will always ring with truth and love. However, truth is painful and the pain often drowns out the love. Rather than continuing to speak truth that people will not receive positively and being unable to lie or overlook it, God chose to be silent.

I am starting to see that a period of silence is what’s going to happen in this friendship. I love this person but the place he is at is making him take everything I say as a personal attack. I will always be his friend and when truth can once again be spoken between us our friendship will resume as if there was no time apart. He will continue to be in my prayers the same way I will be in his.

P.S.
I know exactly which of my words hurt you recently. I apologize for the pain but I stand by the truth of my words. I admit that my tone was very sharp but I have been trying softly for months to get you to step out of your comfort zone. I really don’t want you to make the same mistakes and in my effort to protect you from yourself, I am hurting you more. I realize now that you just aren’t ready. I can’t see the traps and pitfalls in your way, not warn you and still call myself your friend.

Damage Control

Following up from my last post about my friend being told that she only attracted two types of people. Those two types were other women and men that only wanted to screw her. Worst part is that this came from a man that she was screwing. I couldn’t really console her. How do you deal with being told that as a woman you are not marriage material? That men will only want to screw you and run? I was of no help but I let her vent.

I was happy that she cut off contact from this person without even being told. I would definitely have something to say if the conversation hadn’t immediately ended at that point. She told me of how he text her sporadically throughout the weekend before finally calling her yesterday asking if she was avoiding him. I don’t know how much more of a clue you need when a person you are sleeping with doesn’t respond to your texts and calls. Seems pretty obvious to everyone else in the world that those are the signs of trouble brewing. At some point the other night he apparently had an epiphany and realized he had to do some damage control. Meaning she woke up to a whole lot of text messages yesterday morning.

These texts were what should have been said in the beginning but weren’t. Unfortunately for him, they came too late. If he had said this when she first asked the question maybe the statements he made might have been forgiven. Probably not. Those statements caused her to lose respect for him. It’s almost impossible for a man to come back from that.

Once again I don’t understand his M.O.. Does he really think he can cause the illness and be it’s cure? Not very likely. Is this a sloppy attempt to patch things up so he can keep getting in her pants? I don’t think he realizes that he has already gone way past too far. My friend talks a lot when she is around the few people she is comfortable with. Her circle is very tiny so when she lets you in, you get way more than you expected. She is also not as emotional as she comes across. The one sure way to know that you have highly upset her is when she stops talking. If she isn’t even up for a friendly debate with you means that she know longer sees you as a person that should be privy to her thoughts and she has closed her world off. Sucks but that’s her personality. She doesn’t end things with a big fight like most. She just stops communicating. Hard to do damage control on this situation. Don’t even know where the lesson is in this. Hopefully I can think of one soon

At a loss…

I try to be helpful and encouraging to all my friends and anyone that asks me for advice. I try not to say things that are not edifying to a person and can be a destructive seed to them. But a few days ago while chatting with my friend, I was told something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. I can only imagine what she is going through. My friend is living the single life. Something I am now totally convinced is detrimental to a woman pass the age of 25. In her single life at the moment, she has an uncommitted lover. I still don’t get it myself. It’s something between a relationship and friends with benefits. A terrible place for a woman with hopes of marriage to be, but we all fall into these traps in one form or another. But this is not the real conundrum.

I don’t know what made her ask this question, but she definitely shouldn’t have asked her lover. She asked him, “What is her appeal to men?” or “What about her attracts men?” As much time and effort that women put into their appearance, wouldn’t you think the answer was obvious. He however pulled her away from the physical part of her attraction and pointed to her some flaws that hurt her more because it came from him. I am sure he was doing fine and she was listening when he told her that she had two sides. A very strange side and a very hidden side. Not that bad, right? But he went further to tell her that her personality only attracts two type of people. Other women and men that only want to screw her and run. Ouch. Double ouch because it’s from the mouth of the guy that she is currently sleeping with. 

I really didn’t know what to say to her. His honesty and bluntness has really shattered something inside her. I am not mad at him for his honesty, but I wish he had exercised tact and realized this truth should have never come from him. From our earlier talks, I have already gleaned that she doesn’t have confidence in herself anymore where men are concerned. She is being told all the time how she is a good woman, amazing and would make a good wife. Yet she is still single while she watches her friends one by one march down the aisle. It doesn’t help much that she is being told this from men. I’m sure she is thinking, “sure, I’m great. So great for another man, just not you.” Then she has to hear this about the two types of people she attracts. How do I bring her back from the edge after this? 

She told me that after he said that, she couldn’t even continue the conversation. I guess this is one of those times when you thank God for text messages. You can end a conversation without another word or the rudeness of hanging up the phone. I am furious at how he handled the situation. He had took a moment that should have encouraged her and instead completely shattered something. I am not sure what this person’s M.O. is, but I see far more harm coming from his words than good. He could have told her something good to focus on about her personality. Tell her to play up some side of her, but his comments has left her with the impression that there is nothing good about her in a man’s eye. I read the conversation and I wanted to cry because he never answered her question before going in on her horrible personality that makes her only appeal to women and no good men. 

I really don’t know what to tell her. Truth is, I know she cares for the guy she is sleeping with, even if she sees no future with him. She isn’t the type to share her body with someone she doesn’t care for. Yet when he told her the two type of people she attracts, he left only one category for himself to be in. As unflattering as it was for her to be the woman who only attracts men who want to use her. It is less flattering for him to admit that he is one of the men that is using her. And now she is faced with the glaring truth. I am truly at a loss. This is one hard pill for anyone to swallow. 

Does anyone have any advice that I can possibly give my friend? Someway to encourage her no to give up completely on men and a loving relationship. I really hate this. 

Friends in need

We all have them. Needy friends. Friends that need our time, our advice, our emotional support. We give of ourselves gladly. But let money enter the equation and you may end up saying goodbye to a friend. I have learned four things when it comes to friends in need and money.

The first is never sign your name to anything. I have watched others go through some real troubles because of this. The second is to be very mindful when loaning money. Not that you can’t loan it, but remember that the chances of them giving the money back to you before you are in need of it is very slim. So only loan what you can do without for a certain period of time. The third and almost most important thing to do when doing favors that involve money is Get your money up front. They are your friend so they have seen your quality of work. Most likely you have already cut them a super deal on how much you charge anyway. It doesn’t do well for friendships for you to have to become a bill collector with your friends. 

Finally, the most important thing about friends in need. Look at them and their situation before you start bending over backwards for them. Everyone has at least one friend that is a user. They will ask of you things that they wouldn’t do for you if the roles were reversed. Not saying they aren’t your friend. Just saying they aren’t going to allow themselves to be used. Think about what your friend is asking you. Is it something that only you with your skill set can do? If not, are they orphans? Is there no one in their family capable of doing what thy ask you? If there is, why aren’t they asking their family? It is a huge red flag when someone’s family refuses to help them. It’s possible that your friend has used them to the point where they no longer want to help.

Help your friends, but there are always people that will take advantage. Wisdom is necessary in all relationships.