I’d rather you say “no”
Than to hear cursed complaints
Dripping from yours lips.
I didn’t want to ask,
I needed to. But you
Didn’t have to say “yes.”
Just because I needed,
Didn’t obligate you to do
What you truly didn’t want to.
Every word uttered afterwords
Shows your unwilling heart,
Making me feel worse than I did
For being in need in the first place.
I’d rather you say “no.”
Trust that you aren’t the
Only one that can aide me.
Trust that I would be grateful,
Elated even, that you said so
Than for me to be on the recieving
End of your begrudging help.
I’d rather you say “no”
And not harden my heart
Against you by your grousing.
I’d rather you say “no”
And leave the chance for the one
That can say and truly mean “Yes”
Just know that no matter
If you say no or give your
unwilling help, I won’t be asking
You for help ever again.
And hope that you are never in
Need yourself. Others will
Likely be as willing to help
You as you were to help them.
Today, I read something from a friend that made me cry. I am often accused of being tactless and saying thoughtless things by one of my loved ones. It hurts that this person thinks this way about me especially when they say that my words are hurtful and life damaging. It hurts because he only focuses on the pain my words brought him intead of thinking about the truth.
It throws me for a loop every time he brings it up because he really has no idea how careful I am of my words, especially with him. If he only knew all the things that would come out of my mouth if I was as thoughtless as he sees me. I don’t see how he doesn’t see me as mean and evil considering the fact that instant messaging is our main source of communication. Yes, sometimes people can say things without much fore thought but writing takes a bit more thought. I don’t know how it is possible for an educated person to write something without thinking about how it will be received.
All this made me think about a question I had early in my youth. Why doesn’t God speak verbally with people anymore? I though about the answer to that question again today. God’s words will always ring with truth and love. However, truth is painful and the pain often drowns out the love. Rather than continuing to speak truth that people will not receive positively and being unable to lie or overlook it, God chose to be silent.
I am starting to see that a period of silence is what’s going to happen in this friendship. I love this person but the place he is at is making him take everything I say as a personal attack. I will always be his friend and when truth can once again be spoken between us our friendship will resume as if there was no time apart. He will continue to be in my prayers the same way I will be in his.
I know exactly which of my words hurt you recently. I apologize for the pain but I stand by the truth of my words. I admit that my tone was very sharp but I have been trying softly for months to get you to step out of your comfort zone. I really don’t want you to make the same mistakes and in my effort to protect you from yourself, I am hurting you more. I realize now that you just aren’t ready. I can’t see the traps and pitfalls in your way, not warn you and still call myself your friend.
Everyone has it. A song that transports them back to a time in their life that is over and thoughts of a person they could never be with. For me that song is Alecia Keys’ “No One.” It makes me think of a person that for a time I seriously thought could be my husband. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Other people ask how do I know when we never even dated. I was curious about that for a while. Thinking of “what if” scenarios that ended with him and I blissfully wed. But life has taught me something. There are no “what if’s” in life. We make decisions and act accordingly to who we are at that moment. Our entire history would have to be rewritten in order for us to act differently.
So I accepted that although I cared and he cared, it wasn’t the care that would end with “I do.” And because we didn’t do anything to taint the memories, I can always look back fondly on those moments we had together. Harmonizing to “No one” and trying to maintain the facade of friendship when there was something more potent brewing between us. I must admit that it is an amazing thing that we didn’t cave under our attraction to each and cross the line. It was so obvious to anyone that saw us together, what was there. But that was who we both were in that moment, two individuals too afraid to risk anything and possibly missed out on something great. However, I do believe that there is something greater in store for me.
I try to be helpful and encouraging to all my friends and anyone that asks me for advice. I try not to say things that are not edifying to a person and can be a destructive seed to them. But a few days ago while chatting with my friend, I was told something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. I can only imagine what she is going through. My friend is living the single life. Something I am now totally convinced is detrimental to a woman pass the age of 25. In her single life at the moment, she has an uncommitted lover. I still don’t get it myself. It’s something between a relationship and friends with benefits. A terrible place for a woman with hopes of marriage to be, but we all fall into these traps in one form or another. But this is not the real conundrum.
I don’t know what made her ask this question, but she definitely shouldn’t have asked her lover. She asked him, “What is her appeal to men?” or “What about her attracts men?” As much time and effort that women put into their appearance, wouldn’t you think the answer was obvious. He however pulled her away from the physical part of her attraction and pointed to her some flaws that hurt her more because it came from him. I am sure he was doing fine and she was listening when he told her that she had two sides. A very strange side and a very hidden side. Not that bad, right? But he went further to tell her that her personality only attracts two type of people. Other women and men that only want to screw her and run. Ouch. Double ouch because it’s from the mouth of the guy that she is currently sleeping with.
I really didn’t know what to say to her. His honesty and bluntness has really shattered something inside her. I am not mad at him for his honesty, but I wish he had exercised tact and realized this truth should have never come from him. From our earlier talks, I have already gleaned that she doesn’t have confidence in herself anymore where men are concerned. She is being told all the time how she is a good woman, amazing and would make a good wife. Yet she is still single while she watches her friends one by one march down the aisle. It doesn’t help much that she is being told this from men. I’m sure she is thinking, “sure, I’m great. So great for another man, just not you.” Then she has to hear this about the two types of people she attracts. How do I bring her back from the edge after this?
She told me that after he said that, she couldn’t even continue the conversation. I guess this is one of those times when you thank God for text messages. You can end a conversation without another word or the rudeness of hanging up the phone. I am furious at how he handled the situation. He had took a moment that should have encouraged her and instead completely shattered something. I am not sure what this person’s M.O. is, but I see far more harm coming from his words than good. He could have told her something good to focus on about her personality. Tell her to play up some side of her, but his comments has left her with the impression that there is nothing good about her in a man’s eye. I read the conversation and I wanted to cry because he never answered her question before going in on her horrible personality that makes her only appeal to women and no good men.
I really don’t know what to tell her. Truth is, I know she cares for the guy she is sleeping with, even if she sees no future with him. She isn’t the type to share her body with someone she doesn’t care for. Yet when he told her the two type of people she attracts, he left only one category for himself to be in. As unflattering as it was for her to be the woman who only attracts men who want to use her. It is less flattering for him to admit that he is one of the men that is using her. And now she is faced with the glaring truth. I am truly at a loss. This is one hard pill for anyone to swallow.
Does anyone have any advice that I can possibly give my friend? Someway to encourage her no to give up completely on men and a loving relationship. I really hate this.