God’s Silence

Today, I read something from a friend that made me cry. I am often accused of being tactless and saying thoughtless things by one of my loved ones. It hurts that this person thinks this way about me especially when they say that my words are hurtful and life damaging. It hurts because he only focuses on the pain my words brought him intead of thinking about the truth.

It throws me for a loop every time he brings it up because he really has no idea how careful I am of my words, especially with him. If he only knew all the things that would come out of my mouth if I was as thoughtless as he sees me. I don’t see how he doesn’t see me as mean and evil considering the fact that instant messaging is our main source of communication. Yes, sometimes people can say things without much fore thought but writing takes a bit more thought. I don’t know how it is possible for an educated person to write something without thinking about how it will be received. 

All this made me think about a question I had early in my youth. Why doesn’t God speak verbally with people anymore? I though about the answer to that question again today. God’s words will always ring with truth and love. However, truth is painful and the pain often drowns out the love. Rather than continuing to speak truth that people will not receive positively and being unable to lie or overlook it, God chose to be silent.

I am starting to see that a period of silence is what’s going to happen in this friendship. I love this person but the place he is at is making him take everything I say as a personal attack. I will always be his friend and when truth can once again be spoken between us our friendship will resume as if there was no time apart. He will continue to be in my prayers the same way I will be in his.

P.S.
I know exactly which of my words hurt you recently. I apologize for the pain but I stand by the truth of my words. I admit that my tone was very sharp but I have been trying softly for months to get you to step out of your comfort zone. I really don’t want you to make the same mistakes and in my effort to protect you from yourself, I am hurting you more. I realize now that you just aren’t ready. I can’t see the traps and pitfalls in your way, not warn you and still call myself your friend.

That one song…

Everyone has it. A song that transports them back to a time in their life that is over and thoughts of a person they could never be with. For me that song is Alecia Keys’ “No One.” It makes me think of a person that for a time I seriously thought could be my husband. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Other people ask how do I know when we never even dated. I was curious about that for a while. Thinking of “what if” scenarios that ended with him and I blissfully wed. But life has taught me something. There are no “what if’s” in life. We make decisions and act accordingly to who we are at that moment. Our entire history would have to be rewritten in order for us to act differently.

So I accepted that although I cared and he cared, it wasn’t the care that would end with “I do.” And because we didn’t do anything to taint the memories, I can always look back fondly on those moments we had together. Harmonizing to “No one” and trying to maintain the facade of friendship when there was something more potent brewing between us. I must admit that it is an amazing thing that we didn’t cave under our attraction to each and cross the line. It was so obvious to anyone that saw us together, what was there. But that was who we both were in that moment, two individuals too afraid to risk anything and possibly missed out on something great. However, I do believe that there is something greater in store for me.

What’s There Not to Like?

A few days ago my friend reblogged something about insecurities destroys relationships. This is true. How a person sees themselves will affect how they deal with people in general. All my close friends will tell you that I am confident to the point of conceited. And of course. What’s there not to like? I am nice, at times. I am fun, extremely talented, yadda, yadda, etc, etc. The list goes on, I am just that awesome. I know it. Yet there was a time, for a long time, when I just didn’t like myself.

I really wish I could blame my lack of esteem on others but I can’t. Truth is, that I am too self centered to let other people thoughts affect how I see myself, good or bad. I just don’t care what they think. This doesn’t mean that I totally disregard the thoughts and feelings of my friends, it’s just that they don’t know the entire story. Their words only carry as much weight as their knowledge of me. I listen, but in the back of my head is always that thought of what do they truly know.

I don’t often hear bad things about myself from others. I am not often criticized either. Yet with all that awesomeness and respect of my peers, I didn’t like myself. The reason was because they didn’t know about the Fucked up decisions that I would make from time to time. I am very hard on myself and others. I don’t see grey areas. There is either wrong or right. So whenever I made bad decisions, I hated myself for it. Because how could I, being as awesome as I am, make a bad decision? Shoot. I didn’t even have the crutch of blaming it on someone else. I made that decision. It was my fault. I fiercely believe in accepting the responsibility for ones own actions. However, I lacked to ability to forgive.

It’s very important to be able to forgive. You have to be a forgiving person in order to forgive yourself and others. An unforgiving nature will always turn inward. I learned that the hard way. I also learned that being forgiving does not mean that I have to stop seeing things as either black or white, right or wrong. It just means that I forgive the wrong. Once I forgave myself for my faults I began to like myself again. I don’t make excuses for myself and others. I still expect myself to do better. I just know I need more work and discipline.

I don’t mention other people as a standard to judge myself in this blog because I don’t use other people as a standard. If you knew their whole story you would see they don’t have it all together either. They are just better at hiding it than you.  There are other people that inspire me to do better  because I can do better. I encourage you to find your own standard. Look at yourself with loving eyes. Eyes that sees everything and still accepts it. Once you accept your faults, start working to correct them. Your faults are not who you are, and you don’t have to be defeated by them. You are definitely strong enough to correct them, because they are just one aspect of you. There is far more good in you than you see yet. All those old adages that says that bad things last longer in memories than good is true. We remember our faults more easily. So make a list (I like lists). For every one fault, list three good qualities about yourself. It won’t be hard (I wanted to say Five qualities at first).

Dating Tips from a Retired Player

I don’t know how to date. Considering my failed relationship and my failed attempts to start new ones. Talking to “The Retired Player” about the laughs I had when my single friends start to give me dating advice he decided to jump on the band wagon and give me some unsolicited advice as well. Here are his tips.

1. Keep working in yourself…job…culture…stuff like that

2. Pay no attention to great looking available guys around you. If any want you, it forces them to show themselves.

3. When you find out someone shares interest in you don’t sound easy!!! Women who talk about sex are easy!!! Whenever he brings up sex..CHANGE THE SUBJECT

4. NEVER EVER NEVER meet men at “dating” locations. Clubs…internet..set ups. This is where weak men, dumb men, and dicks on a stick hunt.

5. Stop spending SOOOO much time on women stuff and issues. Invest time into knowing about things that interest men. Go to the library and read men magazines that only “men” are supposed to subscribe to. Start with Men’s health. Don’t read anything with female advertising. That tells you who they are trying to reach.

6. Get dress in a way that says “I’m not hunting a man, I’m not crazy, and I’m not just for fucking.” …look like, “You are so lucky to run into me at this store because in another setting I am so far above you.”

7. Kill the make up and clubbin. Good men rate you hard on those. Seriously

8. Find a simple hair style that works for you and appeals to men, not women. So when you go someplace serious and you change your hair to a serious hair style it blows us away.

9. No man wants to feel like their girl “needs” make up. Any man who says that makeup enhances your beauty is calling you ugly.

10. Remember men are simple and shun complex crazy women.

11. Men notice class.

12. Don’t ask men questions they could lie about. You can never trust the answer. Questions like, “Does this make me look fat?”

These are all the points he hit upon today. Since I am sure the dating tips will never end until I have said “I do” I will keep you posted. But what do you think about these tips so far. Women, which of these tips are you shocked to read? Do these seem like sound advice? Men, Which ones do you agree with? Do you have more to add to the list?

Bonding…

Every family and relationship has it’s very own special way for bonding. My favorite bonding time is at night with my mom. She is playing spider solitaire on any electronic device near at hand and I am either reading, texting or playing on my on phone. Time passes and I just smile at my mom’s few quiet moments. What are your favorite bonding moments and with who?

Welcome to My World

I am new to WordPress, not blogging. I have a lot to say, but there aren’t that many people you can say everything to. I won’t even say everything here. But I will be as honest as a person can possibly be here. My other sites, show other sides to me. To be completely honest, I am just too lazy to try to import all the stuff I had there here, then the idea occurred to me to keep them separate.  Make them each explore a different facet of my personality so my few readers can get a sense of continuity to my writings. So I will continue to blog on my other sites as well.  This one being the main one that will connect them all and any future interests I may want to explore. I will let my readers here know if I post to the other sites. Which leads me to invite all my new readers to check out today’s post in my Insanity blog. Read with caution. Let’s see where this leads us all. Love Ya.