Today, I read something from a friend that made me cry. I am often accused of being tactless and saying thoughtless things by one of my loved ones. It hurts that this person thinks this way about me especially when they say that my words are hurtful and life damaging. It hurts because he only focuses on the pain my words brought him intead of thinking about the truth.
It throws me for a loop every time he brings it up because he really has no idea how careful I am of my words, especially with him. If he only knew all the things that would come out of my mouth if I was as thoughtless as he sees me. I don’t see how he doesn’t see me as mean and evil considering the fact that instant messaging is our main source of communication. Yes, sometimes people can say things without much fore thought but writing takes a bit more thought. I don’t know how it is possible for an educated person to write something without thinking about how it will be received.
All this made me think about a question I had early in my youth. Why doesn’t God speak verbally with people anymore? I though about the answer to that question again today. God’s words will always ring with truth and love. However, truth is painful and the pain often drowns out the love. Rather than continuing to speak truth that people will not receive positively and being unable to lie or overlook it, God chose to be silent.
I am starting to see that a period of silence is what’s going to happen in this friendship. I love this person but the place he is at is making him take everything I say as a personal attack. I will always be his friend and when truth can once again be spoken between us our friendship will resume as if there was no time apart. He will continue to be in my prayers the same way I will be in his.
I know exactly which of my words hurt you recently. I apologize for the pain but I stand by the truth of my words. I admit that my tone was very sharp but I have been trying softly for months to get you to step out of your comfort zone. I really don’t want you to make the same mistakes and in my effort to protect you from yourself, I am hurting you more. I realize now that you just aren’t ready. I can’t see the traps and pitfalls in your way, not warn you and still call myself your friend.
I have to admit that in this world of instant gratification most have lost the art of anticipation when it comes to dating. For most it just comes down to teasing. Teasing is a very dangerous game though. A game that can end up horribly for women when they tease the wrong person. I am talking about the build up of excitement that you get when you know something is going to happen, but you don’t know when, where, or how. This is something that we should try to add to our relationships. When I say we, I mean women. Women need to learn to let men lead us and realize that anticipation is a good thing.
Anticipation is much more effective and healthier in a relationship than teasing. Teasing causes a constant roller-coaster of hope and disappointment. That constant dangling of the carrot that is just out of reach is frustrating. No one will put up with that. Either give it to me or don’t. That’s the bottom line. However anticipation comes from an understanding of each other without any verbal confirmation.
It’s like being alone in the room with the person you’re attracted to all while knowing that he’s attracted to you just as much. Neither of you have talked up sex or even the idea of getting physical with each other, but you know what each other are thinking. And yes, it’s going to happen. You don’t know when, how or if it will even be that night. You just know when all the conditions come together you will be swept away. And the anticipation of this is as thrilling as the actual event taking place. Not talking about it adds mystery to it, and with a little mystery you have romance. Teasing and anticipation goes way beyond the physical as well. (I do think teasing in a sexual way while in a healthy relationship is perfectly okay to add some spice)
Dating is a thrilling dance that teaches a woman to trust and rely on her partner to take the lead. I know that I can’t stand hesitation and indecision in a man. So when I see it in a man that I am attracted to, I find myself dangling that carrot in front of him to lead him where I need him to go. It’s just that once, he starts feeling confident and wants to take the lead, the chances of me letting him do so are low because he has already let me build the habit of being in charge.
So how about us single gals and pals try something when we start dating again. Gals, I want you to let the anticipation build. Stand back and let him take the lead. Watch how he handles situations. Give encouragement and if asked give and opinion that if helpful without making him lazy. Pals, take the lead in a gentlemanly way that garners trust. when it comes to dates, make a plan and follow through. Make a decision about something. We know you want to take us into consideration, but women are trying to see your leadership capabilities. You can’t be the head of their life if they feel like they are making all the choices. you are just a partner then that will be left when a more powerful man appears.
Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that if only they would do the things you needed and asked for, your life together would be perfect. That if only they would recognize all the things you are willing to do for them and hope they would reciprocate? Love is doing those things. When you understand that it’s truly about pleasing the other person that’s when you begin to love.
We can go on all day about what isn’t love. We know from the first glance when something isn’t love. But we have to search deeper to see what Love is. There’s a reason why you can’t say you Love someone without having done something to show it. That’s because love is about action. Yes, plenty of people have abused this knowledge to the point where people are afraid to act out of love but it is necessary.
We are not mind readers, we only have what a person says and does to determine how they feel about us. The wisest people I know will always look to the actions before they believe a person’s words. This is why it is important to know a person’s love language so you can speak to them in the way that touches them most.
We can’t be self centered in love. Being self centered makes it impossible to see the needs of the other person. This leads us to doing only those things which we would do for oursleves. And although those things will make them feel special, it won’t make them feel loved if that’s not what they want. Then you will find yourself sitting alone asking “What more do they want from me?”, over something as simple as holding their hand as you walk down the street.
It’s simple things like these that we overlook and bypass in making grand gestures to show how much we care. Looking from the eyes of a person that wants the simple intimacy, how would it look to them when you keep denying them something that simple? Even with all those grand gestures, you still failed to give them what they truly wanted. Something that seems so easy when compared to the other stuff. So it shouldn’t be surprising when they say they don’t feel like you love them. In all honesty, you haven’t done anything to make them feel loved, have you?
So with this, I ask readers to observe their partners. Truly get to know them. Only by knowing them can you know how to please them. It’s really that simple.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 ESV.
I have had an obsession with understanding love that began during my last relationship. I prayed once asking God to show me what love is. I had lived a lifetime and realized that I didn’t know what love is. Ironic isn’t it? I, who grew up in church, had to ask what love is. Looking back it saddens me that I even had to utter that prayer. Unknowingly admitting that I did not know God just by saying that. I am very glad that I did pray because by doing so I showed that I was ready and willing to be shown my own ignorance. The revelations that I have gained since praying that prayer is astounding. It has made me into a better person, a better friend, sister, daughter and Christian. It has strengthened my relationships all the way around.
So I this time I am going to focus on what Love is. It is what it is. I will share what was revealed to me and probably some of the sad memories that brought on these revelations. So I hope everyone enjoys my “Love is…” series.
“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8 ESV
More than the sex and constant companionship there is a reason that I really need a man. That reason is physical labor. Not saying he would just be a servant for heavy lifting but that’s why I need a man in my life.
I am laying here in my bed covered practically head to toe in medicated icy hot pads. Then I think to myself that it would be really nice to have man that would jump at the chance to massage my sore and aching body.
Better yet, he could be the one doing all the physical stuff that leaves my body aching. Stuff like taking out the trash. Moving the furniture around so I can clean. Reaching the high spots so I won’t fall off the stool and hurt myself. Opening that stubborn jar that is determined to give me carpal tunnel. Then we can take turns giving each other massages. As long as I come first on days I teach my dance class.
Following up from my last post about my friend being told that she only attracted two types of people. Those two types were other women and men that only wanted to screw her. Worst part is that this came from a man that she was screwing. I couldn’t really console her. How do you deal with being told that as a woman you are not marriage material? That men will only want to screw you and run? I was of no help but I let her vent.
I was happy that she cut off contact from this person without even being told. I would definitely have something to say if the conversation hadn’t immediately ended at that point. She told me of how he text her sporadically throughout the weekend before finally calling her yesterday asking if she was avoiding him. I don’t know how much more of a clue you need when a person you are sleeping with doesn’t respond to your texts and calls. Seems pretty obvious to everyone else in the world that those are the signs of trouble brewing. At some point the other night he apparently had an epiphany and realized he had to do some damage control. Meaning she woke up to a whole lot of text messages yesterday morning.
These texts were what should have been said in the beginning but weren’t. Unfortunately for him, they came too late. If he had said this when she first asked the question maybe the statements he made might have been forgiven. Probably not. Those statements caused her to lose respect for him. It’s almost impossible for a man to come back from that.
Once again I don’t understand his M.O.. Does he really think he can cause the illness and be it’s cure? Not very likely. Is this a sloppy attempt to patch things up so he can keep getting in her pants? I don’t think he realizes that he has already gone way past too far. My friend talks a lot when she is around the few people she is comfortable with. Her circle is very tiny so when she lets you in, you get way more than you expected. She is also not as emotional as she comes across. The one sure way to know that you have highly upset her is when she stops talking. If she isn’t even up for a friendly debate with you means that she know longer sees you as a person that should be privy to her thoughts and she has closed her world off. Sucks but that’s her personality. She doesn’t end things with a big fight like most. She just stops communicating. Hard to do damage control on this situation. Don’t even know where the lesson is in this. Hopefully I can think of one soon
I try to be helpful and encouraging to all my friends and anyone that asks me for advice. I try not to say things that are not edifying to a person and can be a destructive seed to them. But a few days ago while chatting with my friend, I was told something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. I can only imagine what she is going through. My friend is living the single life. Something I am now totally convinced is detrimental to a woman pass the age of 25. In her single life at the moment, she has an uncommitted lover. I still don’t get it myself. It’s something between a relationship and friends with benefits. A terrible place for a woman with hopes of marriage to be, but we all fall into these traps in one form or another. But this is not the real conundrum.
I don’t know what made her ask this question, but she definitely shouldn’t have asked her lover. She asked him, “What is her appeal to men?” or “What about her attracts men?” As much time and effort that women put into their appearance, wouldn’t you think the answer was obvious. He however pulled her away from the physical part of her attraction and pointed to her some flaws that hurt her more because it came from him. I am sure he was doing fine and she was listening when he told her that she had two sides. A very strange side and a very hidden side. Not that bad, right? But he went further to tell her that her personality only attracts two type of people. Other women and men that only want to screw her and run. Ouch. Double ouch because it’s from the mouth of the guy that she is currently sleeping with.
I really didn’t know what to say to her. His honesty and bluntness has really shattered something inside her. I am not mad at him for his honesty, but I wish he had exercised tact and realized this truth should have never come from him. From our earlier talks, I have already gleaned that she doesn’t have confidence in herself anymore where men are concerned. She is being told all the time how she is a good woman, amazing and would make a good wife. Yet she is still single while she watches her friends one by one march down the aisle. It doesn’t help much that she is being told this from men. I’m sure she is thinking, “sure, I’m great. So great for another man, just not you.” Then she has to hear this about the two types of people she attracts. How do I bring her back from the edge after this?
She told me that after he said that, she couldn’t even continue the conversation. I guess this is one of those times when you thank God for text messages. You can end a conversation without another word or the rudeness of hanging up the phone. I am furious at how he handled the situation. He had took a moment that should have encouraged her and instead completely shattered something. I am not sure what this person’s M.O. is, but I see far more harm coming from his words than good. He could have told her something good to focus on about her personality. Tell her to play up some side of her, but his comments has left her with the impression that there is nothing good about her in a man’s eye. I read the conversation and I wanted to cry because he never answered her question before going in on her horrible personality that makes her only appeal to women and no good men.
I really don’t know what to tell her. Truth is, I know she cares for the guy she is sleeping with, even if she sees no future with him. She isn’t the type to share her body with someone she doesn’t care for. Yet when he told her the two type of people she attracts, he left only one category for himself to be in. As unflattering as it was for her to be the woman who only attracts men who want to use her. It is less flattering for him to admit that he is one of the men that is using her. And now she is faced with the glaring truth. I am truly at a loss. This is one hard pill for anyone to swallow.
Does anyone have any advice that I can possibly give my friend? Someway to encourage her no to give up completely on men and a loving relationship. I really hate this.