I have to admit that in this world of instant gratification most have lost the art of anticipation when it comes to dating. For most it just comes down to teasing. Teasing is a very dangerous game though. A game that can end up horribly for women when they tease the wrong person. I am talking about the build up of excitement that you get when you know something is going to happen, but you don’t know when, where, or how. This is something that we should try to add to our relationships. When I say we, I mean women. Women need to learn to let men lead us and realize that anticipation is a good thing.
Anticipation is much more effective and healthier in a relationship than teasing. Teasing causes a constant roller-coaster of hope and disappointment. That constant dangling of the carrot that is just out of reach is frustrating. No one will put up with that. Either give it to me or don’t. That’s the bottom line. However anticipation comes from an understanding of each other without any verbal confirmation.
It’s like being alone in the room with the person you’re attracted to all while knowing that he’s attracted to you just as much. Neither of you have talked up sex or even the idea of getting physical with each other, but you know what each other are thinking. And yes, it’s going to happen. You don’t know when, how or if it will even be that night. You just know when all the conditions come together you will be swept away. And the anticipation of this is as thrilling as the actual event taking place. Not talking about it adds mystery to it, and with a little mystery you have romance. Teasing and anticipation goes way beyond the physical as well. (I do think teasing in a sexual way while in a healthy relationship is perfectly okay to add some spice)
Dating is a thrilling dance that teaches a woman to trust and rely on her partner to take the lead. I know that I can’t stand hesitation and indecision in a man. So when I see it in a man that I am attracted to, I find myself dangling that carrot in front of him to lead him where I need him to go. It’s just that once, he starts feeling confident and wants to take the lead, the chances of me letting him do so are low because he has already let me build the habit of being in charge.
So how about us single gals and pals try something when we start dating again. Gals, I want you to let the anticipation build. Stand back and let him take the lead. Watch how he handles situations. Give encouragement and if asked give and opinion that if helpful without making him lazy. Pals, take the lead in a gentlemanly way that garners trust. when it comes to dates, make a plan and follow through. Make a decision about something. We know you want to take us into consideration, but women are trying to see your leadership capabilities. You can’t be the head of their life if they feel like they are making all the choices. you are just a partner then that will be left when a more powerful man appears.
I found out some news today that made me cry. A friend of mines is getting divorced. I can’t express how much I really was hoping that they would work things out. Even while knowing the improbability of that with them residing in two different states, I was hoping for a miracle. I was hoping that they would both come to their senses, realize the errors of their ways and reconcile. I can only imagine what they are going through now. After a few years of being together, they realize they want to spend the rest of their lives together and get married. After a few years of marriage, they realize that they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives together and get divorced. It doesn’t make sense to me. What did years of marriage reveal that years of courtship didn’t for them to change their minds? Having never been married, I have no personal experiences to compare the life of marriage to. However, I have dated a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can compare the self awareness of their situation to mines, just that theirs came after saying “I do.”
It may be the writer in me that makes me very analytic, but throughout the course of my last relationship, I analysed everything. My best friend said I was being too analytical and I needed to go with the flow more. I am so glad I disregarded that advice. Going with the flow would have never made me ask the questions that I needed to ask of a man that I was considering spending the rest of my life with. Not just questions of him, but questions of myself. The best question that a person can ask themselves while considering marriage is “If this person never changes, could you spend the rest of your life with them?”
Often times we find ourselves being attracted to a person’s potential. We do like the person they are, but the potential they have is an irresistible allure. No one is perfect, but everyone has the potential to be close to someone’s ideal of perfection. The person that shows the most potential to grow into our ideal is usually the one we find our hearts settling on. The unfortunate part is that, a person needs to be willing to become what you want. No matter how much they care about you, if they are unwilling to be the person you need them to be, you won’t go very far.
When I asked myself this question in my last relationship, I knew it was over. I had already invested years into it without much improvement. It always came back to the one thing that I needed that he was unwilling to give. This is why a journal comes in handy. Going back over how many times I was discontent about the same things showed that progress was not being made. I knew that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with this. Did it mean that I stopped loving him? No. It simply meant that I became aware that he would never be the person I needed.
It’s not just about their character flaws. It’s also about the things that you need for them to do for you in order for you to feel loved. Affection and Love are two different emotions. Affection is much easier to communicate. It’s light and fresh. Doesn’t take much commitment to show it either. You show it as the mood hits you. Love? Not so easy. That’s why so many fail in showing it. It doesn’t matter what excuses a person gives you as to why they aren’t giving you what you need. The end result is still the same. You don’t feel loved. It’s obvious that a person should leave a loveless situation. I just wish the awareness of their situation happened before saying “I do.” Or maybe it did, but they both were trying to force the issue instead of moving on.
Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that if only they would do the things you needed and asked for, your life together would be perfect. That if only they would recognize all the things you are willing to do for them and hope they would reciprocate? Love is doing those things. When you understand that it’s truly about pleasing the other person that’s when you begin to love.
We can go on all day about what isn’t love. We know from the first glance when something isn’t love. But we have to search deeper to see what Love is. There’s a reason why you can’t say you Love someone without having done something to show it. That’s because love is about action. Yes, plenty of people have abused this knowledge to the point where people are afraid to act out of love but it is necessary.
We are not mind readers, we only have what a person says and does to determine how they feel about us. The wisest people I know will always look to the actions before they believe a person’s words. This is why it is important to know a person’s love language so you can speak to them in the way that touches them most.
We can’t be self centered in love. Being self centered makes it impossible to see the needs of the other person. This leads us to doing only those things which we would do for oursleves. And although those things will make them feel special, it won’t make them feel loved if that’s not what they want. Then you will find yourself sitting alone asking “What more do they want from me?”, over something as simple as holding their hand as you walk down the street.
It’s simple things like these that we overlook and bypass in making grand gestures to show how much we care. Looking from the eyes of a person that wants the simple intimacy, how would it look to them when you keep denying them something that simple? Even with all those grand gestures, you still failed to give them what they truly wanted. Something that seems so easy when compared to the other stuff. So it shouldn’t be surprising when they say they don’t feel like you love them. In all honesty, you haven’t done anything to make them feel loved, have you?
So with this, I ask readers to observe their partners. Truly get to know them. Only by knowing them can you know how to please them. It’s really that simple.
Before I start to go into what Love is, it is important that I tell you what love is not. The seed that causes much confusion in our heads about love is that love is an emotion. When we start to look at love as something that we choose to do and not an emotion, our understanding of love broadens. Why do we associate love with such a weak thing as our feelings in the first place?
We wake up in the morning happy. Someone says a mean word, or does something to make us sad or angry. Then we cry or do something to change our feelings back to happy ones. Plans go wrong so disappointment sets in. Meet a new interesting person and euphoria takes over. Do we really want something as fickle as the wind to be something with which we make important life decisions? Putting Love in the same category with such weak things as our emotions is a serious mistake.
Love makes us feel things but just because it makes us feel does not make it an emotion. The world is filled with things that touches our senses but because love is intangible we want to place it our feelings. So does that make all intangible things an emotion?
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 ESV.
I have had an obsession with understanding love that began during my last relationship. I prayed once asking God to show me what love is. I had lived a lifetime and realized that I didn’t know what love is. Ironic isn’t it? I, who grew up in church, had to ask what love is. Looking back it saddens me that I even had to utter that prayer. Unknowingly admitting that I did not know God just by saying that. I am very glad that I did pray because by doing so I showed that I was ready and willing to be shown my own ignorance. The revelations that I have gained since praying that prayer is astounding. It has made me into a better person, a better friend, sister, daughter and Christian. It has strengthened my relationships all the way around.
So I this time I am going to focus on what Love is. It is what it is. I will share what was revealed to me and probably some of the sad memories that brought on these revelations. So I hope everyone enjoys my “Love is…” series.
“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8 ESV
Everyone has it. A song that transports them back to a time in their life that is over and thoughts of a person they could never be with. For me that song is Alecia Keys’ “No One.” It makes me think of a person that for a time I seriously thought could be my husband. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Other people ask how do I know when we never even dated. I was curious about that for a while. Thinking of “what if” scenarios that ended with him and I blissfully wed. But life has taught me something. There are no “what if’s” in life. We make decisions and act accordingly to who we are at that moment. Our entire history would have to be rewritten in order for us to act differently.
So I accepted that although I cared and he cared, it wasn’t the care that would end with “I do.” And because we didn’t do anything to taint the memories, I can always look back fondly on those moments we had together. Harmonizing to “No one” and trying to maintain the facade of friendship when there was something more potent brewing between us. I must admit that it is an amazing thing that we didn’t cave under our attraction to each and cross the line. It was so obvious to anyone that saw us together, what was there. But that was who we both were in that moment, two individuals too afraid to risk anything and possibly missed out on something great. However, I do believe that there is something greater in store for me.
I try to be helpful and encouraging to all my friends and anyone that asks me for advice. I try not to say things that are not edifying to a person and can be a destructive seed to them. But a few days ago while chatting with my friend, I was told something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. I can only imagine what she is going through. My friend is living the single life. Something I am now totally convinced is detrimental to a woman pass the age of 25. In her single life at the moment, she has an uncommitted lover. I still don’t get it myself. It’s something between a relationship and friends with benefits. A terrible place for a woman with hopes of marriage to be, but we all fall into these traps in one form or another. But this is not the real conundrum.
I don’t know what made her ask this question, but she definitely shouldn’t have asked her lover. She asked him, “What is her appeal to men?” or “What about her attracts men?” As much time and effort that women put into their appearance, wouldn’t you think the answer was obvious. He however pulled her away from the physical part of her attraction and pointed to her some flaws that hurt her more because it came from him. I am sure he was doing fine and she was listening when he told her that she had two sides. A very strange side and a very hidden side. Not that bad, right? But he went further to tell her that her personality only attracts two type of people. Other women and men that only want to screw her and run. Ouch. Double ouch because it’s from the mouth of the guy that she is currently sleeping with.
I really didn’t know what to say to her. His honesty and bluntness has really shattered something inside her. I am not mad at him for his honesty, but I wish he had exercised tact and realized this truth should have never come from him. From our earlier talks, I have already gleaned that she doesn’t have confidence in herself anymore where men are concerned. She is being told all the time how she is a good woman, amazing and would make a good wife. Yet she is still single while she watches her friends one by one march down the aisle. It doesn’t help much that she is being told this from men. I’m sure she is thinking, “sure, I’m great. So great for another man, just not you.” Then she has to hear this about the two types of people she attracts. How do I bring her back from the edge after this?
She told me that after he said that, she couldn’t even continue the conversation. I guess this is one of those times when you thank God for text messages. You can end a conversation without another word or the rudeness of hanging up the phone. I am furious at how he handled the situation. He had took a moment that should have encouraged her and instead completely shattered something. I am not sure what this person’s M.O. is, but I see far more harm coming from his words than good. He could have told her something good to focus on about her personality. Tell her to play up some side of her, but his comments has left her with the impression that there is nothing good about her in a man’s eye. I read the conversation and I wanted to cry because he never answered her question before going in on her horrible personality that makes her only appeal to women and no good men.
I really don’t know what to tell her. Truth is, I know she cares for the guy she is sleeping with, even if she sees no future with him. She isn’t the type to share her body with someone she doesn’t care for. Yet when he told her the two type of people she attracts, he left only one category for himself to be in. As unflattering as it was for her to be the woman who only attracts men who want to use her. It is less flattering for him to admit that he is one of the men that is using her. And now she is faced with the glaring truth. I am truly at a loss. This is one hard pill for anyone to swallow.
Does anyone have any advice that I can possibly give my friend? Someway to encourage her no to give up completely on men and a loving relationship. I really hate this.